Congratulations. You’ve survived the Flood of ’99, the Windstorm of ’13 and the Election Year Wildfires. You’ve dodged the Wuhan Bat Virus and brought your stash of toilet paper back to pre-Covid levels.
But are you prepared for the Big One? Even if your official Tsunami Kit is packed and ready for action, it may lack the key ingredients to a Post-Wave good life.
For example, if you blindly follow the list suggested by authorities at the Oregon Emergency Management Office for your Go Bag (see below), you’ll spend The Day After eating shrink-wrapped granola bars, slugging tasteless, purified water and wondering what you’re going to kill with a wrench when the beef jerky is all gone. Nowhere do these so-called experts recommend edged blades, spare ammo or snares.
Fortunately, in my role as consultant to the Lincoln City Homepage Safety Committee, I have compiled a more thoughtful list of must-have items for the well-stocked Emergency Kit:
- SWISS ARMY KNIFE: At last you’ll have a chance to use all those worthless attachments. The corkscrew, screwdriver and scissors get extra workouts during disaster. It’s not just to clean your nails, anymore.
- SUICIDE PILL: For those end-o’-the-world tsunamis only. You’ve yelled until you’re hoarse and walked until you’ve dropped in search of companionship, all to no avail. Pop the pill recommended by four out of five CIA agents and drift off to Neverland. Hours later, in all likelihood, a search party representing 10,000 people in the next valley will discover your remains.
- A .357 MAGNUM: Stop pesky looters in their tracks when all heck breaks loose. They’ve stripped Abe Lincoln from his horse at the Community Center and taken all ice from the fish plant — get them before they steal the bottles at Gracie’s and befoul the Deco District restrooms! Who says there’s never a vigilante around when you need one?
- PHONE BOOK: Tech-savvy survivors will while-away the long, lonely hours after Armageddon with Kindles that can be recharged from a wind-up generator. But when the toilet paper shortage hits, you’ll wish you had a real book.
- SURFBOARD: Long boards rule the tsunami surf! Shark-attack survivor John Forse of Lincoln City prefers the six-foot model, while young daredevils will ride it out on four-five short boards. Don’t even think about bodysurfing the Big One!
- WHISKEY: It’s an antibacterial agent. It’s a topical analgesic. It can help you forget that you are the last person on Earth.
- CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR: Many people don’t see the need to haul around extra boxers. They’ll wish they had when they see a 60-foot wall of water headed their way.
- FISHING ROD & TREBLE HOOKS: Illegal three-way hooks are great for snagging wild Coho to cook over an open fire. When Coho extinction seems less important than human extinction, the fish loses every time. No matches? No sweat! Think salmon sushi.
- BLANK DIPLOMAS: When the Big One hits, you are what you say you are, especially if you’re packing heat. Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief — the choice is yours. Better yet, start your own university. You’ll create doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs — for a price.
- NOSE PLUGS: You may already have them handy for those occasional “interruptions” at the wastewater treatment plant. Use them to keep that yucky saltwater out of your sinuses, too.